Quiz: Just How Sleep Deprived Are You? By Emilyjane Clark

Posted on May 17, 2017 by caro.parodi@kylebooks.com

Just how tired are you? Are you bordering on brain dead? Drowsy but awake? Or meandering into madness? Find out by taking this totally pointless quiz.

Simply answer yes or no to the following questions:

1. Do you find it impossible to leave the house after 8pm?

2. Do you find it impossible to leave the house before 8am?

3. Do you sometimes watch the blue ’no signal’ screen on TV because you are too tired to find the remote control?

4. Do you always fall asleep whenever you try to read a book that promises to tell you how to get your baby to fall asleep?

5. Have you ever cried because you have run out of coffee?

6. Do you take more than two hours to leave the house?

7. Do you have no idea where all the fucking socks go?

8. Are you too tired to stand up in the shower?

9. Do you have more than two piles of laundry?

10. Do you get angry at anything that makes a noise when your baby is asleep – the dishwasher beeping, the phone ringing or some twat ringing the doorbell?

11. Do you feel like ’tired' is your new personality?

12. Do you fantasise about having an operation, just so that you can get put to sleep?

13. Do you consider three hours’ sleep to be a pretty decent night?

14. Do you mostly wear pyjamas?

15. Is 90% of your life spent silently creeping about in the dark?

16. Would you say that a morning triple-reheated coffee is the most important meal of the day?

17. Do you swear under your breath on a daily basis?

18. Is a trip to the dentist your idea of heaven?

19. Do you yell, ’Who the hell is ringing at this time?’ at whatever time the phone rings?

20. Are you unable to remember anyone’s name?

21. Have you ever tried to unlock your front door with your car key fob?

22. When someone tells you their baby ’sleeps through the night’, do you want to punch them in the face?

23. Do you struggle to make simple decisions?

24. Do you sometimes stand up and have no idea what you actually stood up for?

25. Do you dread situations where you have to talk to other grown-ups?

26. Have you ever spent more than three hours trying to get your baby to have a 15-minute nap?

27. Do you occasionally cry over spilt milk?

28. Have you forgotten what it feels like to go to bed, and stay there, for an entire night?

29. Is it fairly normal for you to have been awake since 7am yesterday?

30. Do you claim your baby is sick to get out of social events?

31. Do you give your baby the finger behind her back?

32. Do you ever watch your partner sleeping and feel an urge to head butt them in the nose?

33. Have you ever squirted your own breast milk into your coffee because you have run out of milk?

34. Have you ever drunk alcohol before breastfeeding to see if it would help get the baby to sleep?

35. Do you feel really quite pleased when friends with ’good sleepers’ tell you their baby is teething?

HOW DID YOU SCORE?

How many times did you answer YES?

20–40: TOTAL ZOMBIE SHIT BRAIN - I suspect you already know that you are extremely sleep-deprived. But do you realise you are also kicking arse? Taking care of a baby on no sleep is tough, yet you are doing it every single day!

10–20: DROWSY BUT AWAKE - You are exhausted, but caffeine and cake give you the power to get through the day.

0–10: JUST A BIT STUPID - Even if your baby does sleep, parenthood is tough. So it is inevitable that you will make silly mistakes from time to time.


Sleep is for the Weak by Emily-Jane Clark